creepypastafandomcom-20200222-history
Talk:Sap/@comment-31388245-20170225052457
WOWIE GET READY FOR A WALL OF TEXT. I've got some suggestions. I really like the way you write. It flows nicely, the imagry is vivid and well composed. I liked the STORY quite a bit as well, especially for monster originality. I think I had some issues with the logistics while reading thorugh, because it flows so nicely and is written as such to let you engage that it rips you out of it for some of the impracticle or unexplained elements. The panic attack, I kinda thought you were going somewhere with the sap in that instance, as a means to start to call into question about why this kid ha collapsed and why they were out for the unusual length of two days. If you ever revise this, I might play with that being moe attributed to the overarching antagonist since it would provide better flow, anticipation and practicality. Another thing that sort of jarred me was again after the panic attack instance was the amount of details Alex seems to know about this disappearance. It strikes me that younger kids would be mostly in the dark. It might be more realistic to scale back on that sort of exposition. The same goes for the sap, when they reach the nighttime forest and Alex seems to know something about it. I think it would be more effective for the main character to call back on their memories instead of relying on Alex to let the reader know there's something funny about it. The ending following the encounter with the sap creature: Watching their friend be swallowed up by this sap monster would just be horrific. I'd detail it, draw it out just a little more. You're attentive to so many environmental details and its effective and as I said before really the draw in this story. Its engaging and it kept me hooked right to the end. Applying it to the fear the main character must have felt would push the climax right over the edge. I loved that glimps of white sticks or wood and coming upon the clearing of bones was a nice touch. The intact bones of Alex with the wooden sword, however, was WAY too corny. It was so unlike the rest of the story. Illuding to which skeleton is Alex's should be much more subtle. For instance, instead of white or weathered bones, maybe an image of raw, freshly cleaned, pink and red bones with a sap covered toy sword laying nearby would have much more impact in keeping with the rest of the story. Lastly: Cut out the last three sentences. They don't belong even a little bit. This is definitely first person prose all the way up TO the last three sentences, which read as a first hand encounter. The sap monster following the main character years later is not practicle or scary. Suddenly, you're ripped out of an overall gripping tale to sitting in a room with two preteens holding flashlights under their noses telling urban legends. The rest of the story is much smarter and compelling than that. Overall, the first half of the story sucks you in and gets you ready for some disturbing childhood horror, the second half seems uncertain and fumbly and seems like it was handled with less care/was rushed. I liked what it is/what it could easily be with one more pass over A LOT. Enough to have made an account. You've got something genuinely good and solid but I would revise the second half with a little more love.